September 21, 2009

As Seen on TV

From the Lifetime Channel for Women: Lifetime for Women presents the tenth season of "Hoosier Hausfrau: A Writer's Tale" ....

In our last episode broadcast January 2009, our Heroine was working as a sales representative for a Fortune 100 company, selling prescription pills for erectile dysfunction and other rude realities of life, making a nice chunk of change, enjoying the perks of a corporate life, and constantly worrying about losing her livelihood.

This season our Heroine walks on a new path, where she works at home as a freelance writer in a sunny yellow office overlooking woods and lake, pens a column for her hometown newspaper, writes stories of local interest, learns to cook for the first time in her life, and tools around town drinking coffee in her 10-year-old beat-up Honda Accord.

This season is brought to you by: Activia and “Jamie Lee Curtis for the post-menopausal bowel”, stretch-waist sweatpants for that At-Home Relaxed Look, Pilot Varsity Fountain pens for the On-The-Go Author, and IGA brand Multi-cat litter for the Newly Unemployed Cat.

Episode 1:
Our Heroine, due to her “early retirement” must now closely guard the family treasure. When the household microwave breaks, our Heroine discovers that indeed the “potato” button still works, and feels no need to take gold from the family coffers for a new microwave.

Now in nightly hilarity, everything our Heroine microwaves has to pass the “potato” test.

Does it cook for more or less than 4 minutes, 40 seconds? Tune in again next week when our plucky Heroine learns to make macaroni in boiling water.

Episode 2:
Our Heroine makes the mistake of going to Buehler’s Buy-Low (grocery store) on a Tuesday, where upon checkout the comedic clerk asks her “are you a senior citizens? Every Tuesday is senior citizen day at Buy-low!”

Our Heroine snarls at the clerk and says, “And just how old are you?” The clerk says, “52,” and our heroine says “So am I” and continues to sneer at the clerk.

After this dastardly episode, will our silver-haired Heroine sneak back to Aisle Five and pick up a Lady Clairol?

What goads our Heroine even more than the comedic clerk is that her brother, thirty months younger, was carded while buying a beer at Wrigley Field last Saturday. Carded.

The Heroine’s brother will be fifty in January. This reminds the Heroine of the two-day period in 1977 when she received a speeding ticket on Indiana 5 north of Huntington, and the day before this same sibling received a warning ticket. A warning ticket from the very same Buford T. Justice character from the ISP. Watch our next episode when our Heroine growls about her brother’s charm offensive with the Indiana State Police. (Watch Ferris Buehler's Day Off for a similar plot.)

Episode 3:
Handsome Husband and our heroine decide to make a trip to their village’s new Wally World, just three miles from their home. Our Heroine, in post-menopausal memory lapse, naturally forgets the list which has been posted on the refrigerator for a week, and can only remember that the first item is “eggs.”

“We don’t need eggs,” said the Husband in the car. “I just bought some eggs.”

Fortified with no list and gold coins from that week’s treasure, the couple visits Wally World. Each agrees they will try not to overspend, or buy things that are bad for them.

Somehow items not needed sneak into the cart in this episode. First, a 6-pack of Eskimo pies. Where did that chocolate milk come from? Some noble stranger put it in our cart.
Our Heroine missed that part while hiding from Husband in the “As Seen On TV” section where she cannot resist the $6.98 ShamWow.
Tune in next week to see if the ShamWow lives up to its promises, “You’ll say WOW every time!” You’ll roll with laughter when in Episode 4 when our heroine has an emergency test of the ShamWow!

Episode 4:
In our final episode of the season, our Heroine experiments with a new powdered vitamin. She sometimes has difficulty gagging down vitamin horse pills the size of Easter eggs. Will a powder in bottled water be an improvement?

Our silly, Heroine makes a serious mistake.

She doesn’t know to partially empty the bottled water before pouring in the gritty substance. And in a moment right out of I Love Lucy, our Heroine gets powder all over her sink, her hands and arms, and her shirt.

Did she chose a sensible lemon-lime flavor? Of course not. Cherry pomegranate stain now covers her right hand completely, most of her left hand, the sink, and most of her shirt.

In a timely moment, our Heroine resembles the evil tattooed genius in the new Dan Brown book, The Lost Symbol.
What does our Heroine do? Cliffhanger ending. Tune in again next season when our Heroine is rescued by her faithful ShamWow! Then she attends church to photograph a the Holy Baptism of a friend's child and appears in front of the entire church with red-stained hands and arms. Stay tuned for more hilarity. Quoth the raven.