March 10, 2010

Pop Culture on Steroids

Needing to buy bigger sheets for our gigantic new mattress, I sort through the Sunday advertising circulars for coupons and sales.

I want to buy sheets. Just ordinary 18 inch sheets for my "Princess and the Pea" bed.

I will settle for white sheets if they are at least 350 thread count and under fifty dollars. (This means I'll probably be getting that ugly shade of gray-green that was popular last year and now nobody wants. Can you say "clearance aisle?")

This 16-page circular features three or four sheet sets, all equally hideous, and fourteen pages of, well, you decide.

Here's a random list of featured products in this Big Box store circular.

What can you live without?

1. Frankie the Fish, As seen on the hit TV commercial (for McD's). The copy reads "He sings, he wiggles, he wants his fish back." (I haven't been this excited since I got "Billy Bass, the Singing Fish" back in the family Christmas drawing from my brother-in-law. Gave it to him the year before in a big, shiny red foil box.)

Let's review. This is a stupid product with a stupid slogan for a stupid television commercial. From my vantage point atop this high horse, I have to say: are you kidding me? The marketing person who came up with this is probably laughing his heiny off over the public's stupidity. This is pop culture on steroids.

2. Neckline Slimmer. Guaranteed to make you look younger, tighten and tone, and features three levels of "resistance coils" to provide rapid results. (This looks like something pornographic, but in a strange kind of way. Like something Lucy Ricardo might have used at a spa in a sick kind of I Love Lucy episode.)

Attention: Women of a Certain Age. You can't fight city hall. Gravity is going to win, Chicken Neck. Get over yourself.

3. The MegaBux Rip-off 16 oz. plastic coffee cup with screw on lid. Are you so freakin' insecure that you have to buy a plastic coffee cup that looks just like the four dollar cup of coffee? Only $7.99, that's two cups of Grande at Mega-Bux.

I have a nice Rolex watch I'll sell you that I bought for ten dollars in Times Square. Ya interested? Oyster is spelled Oiysture" on the face. It's real. And what I like about it is that everyone thinks I have a Rolex watch.

4. Magnifying Nail Clipper -- for only $9.99, a nail clipper with a "powerful" 3x magnifier and LED light. I've eaten my cuticles down the knuckle while waiting in line for this gem -- can't wait to see those bloody nail beds THREE TIMES THE SIZE!!!!! And get this, this little gadget has an "easy-empty nail clip catcher." I'll save you some -- we'll make soup!

There's just so much in this flyer that I have to have --several pages of organizers to hold my gadgets. And the Space Bag system to suck all the air out of the bag filled with all the things I'm going to buy at the store.

Just gimme my sheets.