July 8, 2010

Prime Time Alternatives to Watching LeBron

Will it be Miami? Or maybe he'll return to college and play for the Southern Illinois Salukis?

For television viewers who aren't interested in LeBron James' big announcement this evening, here are a few alternatives:

Antique Roads Show: PBS is highlighting America's crumbling infrastructure. Bill Moyers and a film crew of illegal immigrants tour the old Eisenhower Interstate System, noting potholes the size of Lake Erie. Tour parts of I-10 with its grandiose, picturesque sinkholes in Florida, and work your way through Detroit on pieces of I-75 patched with leftover pasta.

The Brady Bunch In Foreclosure: Carol Brady, last seen in the tailored gold jacket of a national real estate company, has fallen on hard times in the burst of southern California's housing bubble. The fabled tri-level Brady Bunch house is now in foreclosure, and weeds have marred the former mountain view. Carol is now living with Mr. and Mrs. Sam (Alice) The Butcher in the 'hood. Sam's small disability check covers the three of them. Sam suffered an unfortunate accident with the meat-slicing machine. Seen on ABC.

Alien Life Force Invades Earth: The Sci-Fi Channel offers this oldie of horror. An alien life force invades earth and slimes most of the potable water with an eerie, brown greasy substance. Charlton Heston plays the hero, a gruff westerner who discovers that the oily matter can actually be used as fuel. With his sidekick Steve McQueen, Heston battles the aliens and invents a way to forage the fuel from the water, thus saving the planet. This show may not be suitable for children, with all the scenes of dead zones of water mammals burning and dying from the middle of the Gulf of Mexico.


American Midol: Former beautiful models host this "The View" type talk show and share stories of beating the monthly cramps.

Project Unemployment 99ers: Contestants are chosen from the millions of people whose unemployment ran out. Contestants run through a variety of silly stunts. The winner is rewarded with a part-time, no benefits, third-shift job at a deli in Boise, Idaho.

Who Wants to be a Gall Bladder? This reality TV show pits teams of people --husband and wife, brothers, best friends -- all of whom lack insurance and are willing to scale the heights to get it. Tonight's episode is the pilot in which host Ryan Seacrest outlines the nine-week challenges, including filing out pre-authorization forms for a branded statin drug and dealing with Medicare to get home health care coverage for an elderly relative. The contestant left standing at the end of the nine weeks wins the opportunity to buy into the federal employees health care system or choose a flat-screen TV!

Posted earlier in the day on Open Salon.