Joy Stealers
I’ve been having lunch with J. and R. for at least 15 years. We don’t make lunch every month, but when we do it is always deep, rollicking, thought-provoking conversation that makes me think for days.
One topic we covered last week was the changing nature of friendship. My relationship with both of them is a testament to friendship, as we’ve remained involved for many years. I met J. when I first moved here 23 years ago, and I met R. about 16 or 17 years ago. Both are fine women I’m glad to call my friends. For different reasons, they inspire me and I know I’m a better person for knowing them.
What is the nature of friendship? Most women have groups— cliques, bridge clubs, whatever you call it—that steady them in rough sailing and rock the boat joyfully in calmer waters. I’ve always been blessed with many friends. The greatest compliment my father ever gave me was that I was “friends with everybody” as a child.
That does not remain true today. At a point in life, you realize that you don’t have the time to be “friends with everybody.” You can be “friendly” without being friends.
Beyond superficial relationships, there came in point in my life where I decided to make some decisions about my friends. There is a time, I believe, when you have to let some friends go. (That sounds really arrogant; so let me say that I’m sure there are many people who have “let me go” with glee and a hearty shove.)
Fifty was a seminal birthday for me. It was also a time of consciously choosing who I was going to move forward with. While longevity, loyalty, and history do add to the equation, there is one factor that weighs above all others. In certain cases it may even subtract longevity, loyalty, and history.
That factor was the subject of our lunch, and the reason I throw some friends back into the sea.
It is “joy stealing.” What do I mean by that?
Have you ever been around someone who steals your joy? It can happen in a number of ways. They are always so down that they bring you down. They reject any notion that there is any happiness in the world. They blame everyone else for problems they have caused. They “play old tapes” (a 1970s notion from the book I’m Okay, You’re Okay by Dr. Wayne Dyer) and repeat and repeat old, negative vibes that should be dead and buried.
But here’s the worst sin, and one I can hardly take anymore. They build themselves up at the expense of others. Oh, I know this sin so well, for I am guilty of having done it so many times. Almost every errant statement I’ve said and hurt someone falls in this category. It’s the ultimate weapon in the passive-aggressive’s quiver. That is why I think I’m so sensitive about it. And I’m working on it, every day.
Sometimes people do this jokingly, but don’t realize others may take offense. And some do realize it, and do it anyway.
Let me clarify I’m not talking about snark or sarcasm. I love snark and sarcasm. But when it comes at the expense of someone defenseless, then it becomes a different issue.
Friends can be the great joy of a full life, but it isn’t worth it if they suck the life right out of you. Surround yourself with people who don’t steal your joy.
Comments
You said it well, Bea. ~r
I think it's okay to make friends with co-workers and neighbors and others whom you know will be in your life for as long as that connection lasts, while still keeping the door open for something more long lasting!
`
Some steal my hoe, tools, books,
and break my heart daily. Crooks.
Creeps steal your good reputation.
The editors may ruin their own self.
The media pundits goes so-ill-mania.
I'd rather be class-kindergarden nerd.
In kindergarden we could be monsters.
I loved holding a `gal monster soft hand.
I liked walking in the woods to play poker.
We'd poke at Poke-Weed and eat greens.
R
those who "duh" me
those who think they are me
me
i'm cool with them all
but my friends might disagree
it is lack of tact, lack of class, insensitive and rude. Well said. R
That you recognize this building up at another's expense is to the credit of your character, a sign that you are proceeding to the cure from it. I wish I had recognized this about myself long ago and I would have more friends.
*Hangs his head low and wanders off into the thorn bushes, crying all the way*
I'm somewhere in between. I can grump and complain, and bring up old grievances, but mostly am cheerful and smiley, with occasional snark...
Lezlie
I had to let go of a few friends when I hit fifty too, it's not easy, but friendship should be with like minded people not people that your only connection is the past. Nice to see you Bea.
I need all the joy I can get!
Are all these dumped friends getting any clue of why they have no friends? Is anyone talking from their heart to them, recommending they try positive-thinking-therapy? Be-a-good-friend therapy? Peace-Love-and-Light therapy? Where is the healing for all in this? Is this really a selfish method of handling negativity-ridden friends??
All questions I've pondered since my "see ya" moment with my former friend.
It seems so popular to dump the negative friends, walk away from a continual frown...something just doesn't feel very healthy in this method either...
Is this too much of a bummer?