Image "Witch Hazel" copyrighted by Warner Bros.
In a recent scientific study that looked at post-menopausal women over a period of years, researchers have determined a causal relationship between appearance of chin hairs, their removal, and early onset dementia.
Leading researches at prominent US universities have been studying women in the post-menopausal age group, who—upon discovering this growth, generally ten minutes before a family wedding or photo session—will pluck the curly little devil out with raw force. This violent action, researchers believe, causes two or three more of the ugly grey hairs to immediately sprout from Said Chin, and is the beginning down the Slippery Slide to total, abject dementia.
For whom does the bell toll?
It tolls for thee—women of a certain age—women whose uterus is simply dead or in a jar at Sister Bertrille’s Hospital and Home for Aging Boomers. It tolls for thee.
Scientists tell us that the average sixty-four year old man whose prostate hangs low and and wobbles to and fro has more estrogen than your average fifty-four year old female. No wonder he cries at movies and Kleenex commercials.
While clinical studies often use only anecdotal evidence outside of the numbers, researchers felt this story was relevant and should be shared with the general public, and women of a certain again for whom that Bad Moon doesn’t rise.
Our subject, whose identity we cannot reveal due to strict FDA rules about confidentiality is a fifty-something, overwhite, Caucasian women of European extraction, who has had her uterus and ovaries removed surgically. To the uninitiated this means she is a dried up, old persimmon who has more testosterone in her body than my Uncle Morty (see it works both ways, kids.).
Since the removal of her “equipment” by the folks at Sister Bertrille’s, our subject has gained weight, noticed magnets in her nipples causing her breasts to hang lower, and has eyebrows like Broderick Crawford. With the HPPA police not allowing us to name her, we’ll call her “Bernadine,” a name we just pulled out of thin air.
Bernadine—due to a change in employment status—has also stopped pretending to be a blonde (at the cost of $80 every four weeks) and is now blessed with silvery, white wiry hair, most of which appears regularly on her chin. For those of you who aren’t blessed with this gift (or are still hiding it under bleach and various other chemicals), grey hair has a different texture and is kinky. Yes, I said kinky. Make of it what you will.
Every two or three days Bernadine fights this battle with the chin hairs. She plucks them out and usually two more grow in within hours. If she didn’t pluck them out, she fears she would look Warner Bros. witch Hazel.
Friday night was a bad night. Three chin hairs in one day. Distressed over this development, Bernadine nonetheless left home to pick up take-out Chinese for her husband. To protect his identity, we'll simply call him "Herman." Going into the restaurant she encountered a familiar face with a toddler on her hip. The woman said to the baby, “Tell Bernadine hello,” and the baby said, “Hello, Bernadine.”
Bernadine was looking through her memory bank. The face was familiar but she couldn’t place it. She patted the baby on the back and said to the woman, “Oh, I’ve written a book, would you like one of my bookmarks?” And the woman says, “Well, of course I know you’ve written a book, silly.” This made it worse. The chin hairs were now tangled up in her brain synapses, affecting the area of “recognition.” Soon language wasn’t far behind, and Bernadine just smiled.
As soon as the woman left, she said to the clerk, “Who was that?” And the clerk said, well, that was Katie Johnson. Bernadine slapped herself on the head, both sides. “Katie Johnson!” Of course. She cleaned my house last winter, I know both her children’s names and birthdays, I know her father, grandfather, husband and his entire family. They attend my church. I’ve been to their house. What in the hell is wrong with me?
Researchers wanted to share this brief anecdote to remind all women of a certain age not to pluck the chin hairs. But it may be too late for some of you. These same researchers have discovered than loss of brain cells is in direct proportion to how many placentas have been delivered. In a twist that challenges the known scientific literature, placentas contain tissue linked to a woman’s brain cells. Thus a woman who has had a child is clearly demented, and a woman who has had a child and has aggressive chin hairs is in deep, deep do-do.
This research has been reprinted from the Journal of Gyno-Crone-ology, Volume 15.