July 9, 2012

5 Reasons Losing Weight Bites

Since January I’ve lost 15.2 percent of my body weight. I know, couldn’t I be a little more specific? Well, yes I could because I weigh myself at least eighteen times a day. That’s not mentally healthy, of course, but I do it anyway.
It’s not all fun and games, you know. There is a dark side to losing weight and getting healthy that most people don’t know about.
1. When you eat unhealthy food now, it tastes bad. No one can comply with a strict diet regimen all the time. Something has to give. I try to give myself non-food rewards but sometimes it has to be food. On a Tuesday for no apparent reason I wanted a Big Mac more than I ever wanted anything in my life. Beware: here comes the spoiler. It tasted like the cardboard packaging it came in. How do I know this? Because I usually eat the cardboard packaging put out by Mickey D’s for breakfast.
2. One’s delicates don’t fit snugly anymore. Even if you wear cute little briefs, every pair becomes Granny panties. So do you buy new underwear every month? And what about the boobal region? I never called mine “the girls” because “the women” seemed more appropriate. Now they are neither girls nor women, but at some awkward stage that comes with losing weight and being over fifty.
3. I have to miss The View. Now that I swim three times a week, I have to miss “The View.” What if I miss something pithy Whoopie says or miss Joy and Elizabeth getting into verbal fisticuffs?
4. You never get an upset stomach. How often have you told someone you can’t meet for coffee or dinner because “you have an upset stomach?” She’ll say, “Well, it’s probably just that thing that going around.” You’ll chime in and say, “Yeah, that thing. My aunt Zelda had it all last week.” Eating lots of fruits and vegetables makes you feel better and gives you more zest for living. Wish poor Aunt Zelda had more zest.
5. Humiliating your father. When racing your father to the hill at Old North Church while on a tour of Boston, you win. Of course he is 81 but he’s always won since you were in your twenties. Of course he’s humiliated. Was it necessary for you to do the Happy Dance in front of everyone on the tour bus?
These are the five things, the dark side, are lurk behind every ounce lost. Oh, but there’s a good thing. I’m only halfway to my goal and still able to retain my job as the model for those Facebook “stubborn belly fat” ads.